oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Randomize
