Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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