there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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