wanna go halves on a baby?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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