wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
