So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
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Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
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Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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