don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
