just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
