everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
