dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
