Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
