Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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