I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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