What a fucking waste of an outfit
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize
