Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
