I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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