yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
