dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
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update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
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No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem