dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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