it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
