I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
