I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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