The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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