So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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