I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I think a kid would responsible me up
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
