I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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