went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
