Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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