I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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