We're like a lot better than the average bears
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
