Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
