You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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