I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
