Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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