Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
