I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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