ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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