You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
