I must be too annoying 4 u.
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
