Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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