4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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