the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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