He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
