That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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