I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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