alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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