you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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