I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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