I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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