I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
