Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
