Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
