why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize