I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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