we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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