Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
