Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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