If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
